HARD!

Why Do I Hate My Kid?

Sun, 22 Mar 2026 22:42:26 GMT

(And What To Do When Parenting Feels This HARD!)

Let's start here: you don't actually hate your child.

But if you've ever thought it: in the middle of a meltdown, after the fourteenth argument of the day, or in that moment when you heard yourself say something you immediately wished you could take back, you are not alone.

The fact that you're reading this tells me something important about you: you care. Deeply. Parents who don't care don't go looking for answers. They don't lie awake wondering if they're doing it wrong. They don't feel the weight of that thought and immediately feel guilty for having it.

You are not a bad parent. You are an exhausted one. And there is a very big difference.

What You're Really Feeling

When a parent says, out loud or just in the privacy of their own mind, "I hate my kid," what they're usually expressing is one of these things:

I am completely overwhelmed and I don't know how to make this stop.
I have given everything I have and there is nothing left.
This is not what I thought parenting would feel like and I am grieving the gap.
I love this child so much that the hardness of this feels like a personal failure.

That thought - as jarring as it sounds - is NOT evidence that you are a bad parent. It is evidence that you are human, that you are depleted, and that something needs to change. And it’s not your love for your child. It’s the conditions you are both living in.

Why Parenting Can Push You to This Place

There is no single reason parenting sometimes feels unbearable. Usually it is a combination of factors that have been quietly stacking up over time.

You are running on empty. Sleep deprivation, mental load, the relentlessness of being needed, these things erode your capacity to respond with patience and grace. When your tank is empty, everything feels harder and bigger than it actually is. A spilled drink becomes a catastrophe. A whiny voice becomes unbearable. A slammed door becomes a personal attack. This is not “weakness". This is biology.

Your child's behavior is genuinely hard. Some kids are wired with big emotions, high intensity, and a need to push every boundary they encounter. If you are parenting a child like this, the daily experience can feel like a battle you never signed up for and cannot win. It is exhausting in a way that is very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't lived it.

You feel alone in it. Whether you are a single parent, a parent whose partner isn't as engaged, or simply someone who doesn't feel like they can be honest about how hard this is… parenting in isolation amplifies everything.

The hard moments feel harder when there is no one to hand it off to, no one to debrief with, and no one to remind you that you are doing okay.

Your own childhood is showing up uninvited. The way we were parented lives in our nervous system whether we want it to or not. When your child pushes certain buttons, they may be activating old wounds, old fears, or old patterns that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with what you carry. This is not your fault. But it is worth knowing.

Your expectations and your reality are far apart. Most of us came into parenting with a picture in our heads of what it would look like. When the reality of the noise, the defiance, the ingratitude, the sheer relentlessness of it, doesn't match that picture, the gap can feel like failure. It isn't. It's just reality. And reality is allowed to be hard.

You have lost yourself somewhere along the way. When was the last time you did something that was purely for you? When did you last feel like a person and not just a parent? The erosion of identity that can happen in parenthood is real, and when we feel like we have disappeared into the role, resentment can quietly grow in the space where our sense of self used to be.

You Are Not Alone, Even When It Feels That Way

Here is what nobody says out loud at the school pickup line or in the comments section of the parenting forums: almost every parent has been here. The details might look different, different ages, different behaviors, different breaking points, but the feeling of being pushed past your limit by someone you love more than your own life? That is one of the most universal experiences in parenthood.

The parents who seem like they have it all together are not exempt from this. They are just better at hiding it, or they have more support, or they haven't hit their wall yet.

You are not broken. You are not failing. You are in a hard season… and hard seasons, by definition, do not last forever.

What Actually Helps?

Knowing you are not alone is important. But you also need things that work. Here are some strategies that can genuinely make the day to day feel more manageable:

Find your early warning signs and act on them. Before you get to the point of explosion, there is always a moment, a tightening in your chest, a shortness in your breath, a tone that creeps into your voice. Learn to recognize that moment as your signal. Not to white-knuckle through it, but to do something with it. Step outside for sixty seconds. Splash cold water on your face. Put your hand on your chest and take three slow breaths. Sixty seconds of regulation can change the entire trajectory of what happens next.

Separate the behavior from the child. When we are depleted, it is easy for a child's difficult behavior to start feeling like a personality - like this is just who they are and who they will always be. It isn't. Behavior is communication. It is your child's imperfect, sometimes maddening way of telling you that something is going on inside them that they don't have the words or the skills to express yet. When you can get curious about the message underneath the behavior, it creates just enough distance between you and the moment to respond instead of react.

Repair matters more than perfection. If you lost it, if you yelled, said something sharp, or completely shut down, the story is not over. The repair is where the real parenting happens. Going back to your child and saying "I got really overwhelmed and I didn't handle that well. I'm sorry." is not weakness. It is some of the most powerful modeling you will ever do. It teaches your child that relationships survive hard moments, that adults take accountability, and that love doesn't disappear when things get messy.

Lower the temperature in your home deliberately. Look at the conditions your family is living in. Is everyone overtired? Is the schedule too full? Are screens and sugar and overstimulation running the show? Sometimes the single most effective parenting strategy is a slower Saturday, an earlier bedtime, and a meal eaten together without devices. Cut out whatever you can. Even activities that seem good for your children can be adding extra stress to the family. Environment shapes behavior - both yours and theirs.

Say the quiet part out loud to someone safe. Find one person you can be completely honest with about how hard this is. A friend, a partner, a therapist, a coach. The shame of feeling like you hate your own child grows in silence and shrinks in the light. You do not need someone to fix it. You need someone to hear it without flinching, and to remind you that you are still a good parent, even on the days it doesn't feel that way.

The Bottom Line

You do not hate your child. You hate feeling this way. You hate the distance between the parent you want to be and the parent you feel like right now. You hate that love alone isn't always enough to make the hard moments easier.

That gap between who you want to be and who you are on your worst days, is not evidence of failure. It is evidence of how much you care.

And caring this much, even when it's hard, even when it's ugly, even when you think thoughts you'd never say out loud?

That is love. It just needs a little support to find its way back to the surface. ��

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. Book a complimentary Strategy Session and let's talk about what support could look like for your family.

BONUS BLOG: The Holiday Survival Guide

Tue, 02 Dec 2025 19:23:18 GMT

The Parenting on Purpose Approach to Staying Connected, Calm, and Grounded through the Season

The holidays are magical… and also overstimulating, schedule-disrupting, sugar-filled, expectation-heavy chaos for children, AND adults!

If your child melts down more easily this time of year, gets clingy around relatives, refuses to participate in activities you had planned, or becomes a tiny tornado of excitement + exhaustion… just remember, NOTHING IS WRONG.

They’re responding exactly as a young, developing nervous system should.

This guide blends Parenting on Purpose strategies and Montessori principles to help you navigate the holidays with more peace, fewer power struggles, and a deeper connection with your child.

1. Prepare the Environment — Keep Things Predictable

Young children thrive when they know what to expect.

Holidays often flip routines upside down, so give them gentle anchors:

✔ Keep wake/sleep times as close to normal as possible

✔ Give verbal previews of what's coming (“At Nana’s house, there will be new people. You can stay close to me if you want.”)

✔ Create a “quiet corner” wherever you go, take books, small toys, headphones

✔ Bring familiar foods or snacks

Predictability reduces overwhelm. When children feel safe, they behave better and cope better.

2. Follow the Child = Respect Their Limits

The holidays come with adult expectations:

Take the picture. Hug Aunt Sue. Sit through dinner. Be cheerful.

But children still have developmentally normal limits. Respecting those limits actually prevents bigger behavior issues later.

✔ Allow alternatives to forced affection

✔ Let them take breaks from large gatherings

✔ Keep meals simple and child-friendly

✔ Shorten events when possible

When you follow the child, you’re honoring their autonomy and ability, showing them their needs matter.

3. Connection First, Correction Second

Holiday stress lessens everyone’s patience. Before correcting behavior, connect first:

“Wow, there’s a lot happening today. Is your body feeling overwhelmed?”

“I’m right here. Let’s take a minute together. Do you feel calm now? Remember how we talked about 'gentle hands'?”

This is especially powerful during overstimulation, sugar crashes, or transitions. Connection regulates. Correction teaches. But connection must come first.

4. Expect Dysregulation… It’s Not Bad Behavior, It’s Biology

Late nights, new environments, unfamiliar relatives, disrupted routines.

Young nervous systems get overloaded quickly. Remember - behavior is communication, and your calm is their anchor.

So when you see:

• whining

• defiance

• silliness that turns chaotic

• tears over tiny things

Interpret it as: “I need help.”

Stay close, stay soft, and co-regulate (ask me about co-regulation if you need help).

5. Protect Their Autonomy - Offer Choices

Instead of power struggles, try simple holiday-friendly choices:

“Red cup or green cup?”
“Do you want to help carry napkins or put out spoons?”
“Do you want to open gifts now or in ten minutes?”
“Do you want to take a break on the couch or in the quiet corner?”

Choices reduce friction and increase cooperation.

6. Set Clear, Kind Boundaries

Holidays don’t mean permissiveness. Instead of harsh limits or inconsistent ones, aim for calm and clear:

“We don’t hit. I won’t let you hit. I see you’re upset, let’s take a break together.”

“We open one gift at a time. You’ll get your next turn soon. Sit with me here if you need help.”

Consistency + compassion is the holiday superformula .

7. Slow Down the Schedule

Children move through the world slowly and intentionally. Holidays tend to be the opposite.

Build slowness on purpose:

✔ Keep one “home day” between big events

✔ Leave early when needed

✔ Limit the number of activities in a single day

By doing this, you’re protecting concentration, inner order, and promoting self-regulation.

8. Create Opportunities for Meaningful Participation

Children want to help. Inviting them to contribute gives them belonging and a sense of power.

Try:

stirring batter
wiping the table
putting bows in a basket
helping wrap gifts
carrying holiday cards to the mailbox

This is Montessori Practical Life + Parenting on Purpose empowerment.

9. Hold Realistic Expectations (for Them AND for You)

Your child will…

✔ get overwhelmed

✔ get overstimulated

✔ get tired

✔ get clingy

✔ have big feelings And you will, too.

Lowering expectations doesn’t ruin the holiday - it saves it.

10. Remember the Goal: Connection > Perfection

If you do nothing else this season, hold this truth:

Your calm presence matters more than your plans.

Your child won’t remember matching pajamas, perfect photos, or a flawless dinner.

They’ll remember how it felt to be with you.

Calm. Safe. Seen. Loved.

That’s the heart of Parenting on Purpose, and the true spirit of the holidays.

Could Your Boundaries Work Better With Clearer Expectations First?

Sat, 15 Nov 2025 01:08:28 GMT

Do Your Children Know What You Expect Before You Set the Limit?

Back in May, I posted a blog article about boundaries being a parents greatest gift to their children - clear, consistent guidelines that not only help children feel safe, but also to learn how the world works, and how to respect both themselves and others. But there’s a key element that often gets overlooked: setting expectations before boundaries are crossed.

Let's do a little review, then I'll show you what I should have done first!

Why Boundaries Are Essential for Kids

Contrary to popular belief, boundaries don’t make children feel restricted, they help them feel secure.
Boundaries show children:

Which behaviors are acceptable and which are not
How to treat others with respect
That actions have consequences
That parents are reliable and consistent
That their feelings matter, but so do others’

Boundaries provide structure, and structure gives children the stability they need to thrive.

The Mistake: Waiting Until There’s a Problem

It’s easy to fall into the habit of reacting only after something goes wrong: after the tantrum, after the broken rule, after the backtalk. But if expectations weren’t made clear beforehand, it’s unfair to assume a child fully understood the boundary in the first place.

Waiting until a boundary is crossed often turns the situation into a punishment rather than a teaching moment because we are triggered into anger. Instead of learning what the expectation is, the child may feel scolded, confused, or even ashamed. And instead of correcting a behavior, we risk damaging connection and trust.

Set Expectations Early and Revisit Often

Most boundaries should be based on family values and stay fairly constant regardless of the age or development of the child. For example, kindness is a value that could inspire boundaries that would apply at all ages and to all members of the family, but some boundaries may need to be specific to each child depending on their temperament and their desired activities.

If your child suddenly wants to take part in something they’ve never done before, you might be able to call upon an existing family boundary, but you might have to create something right there ON THE SPOT!

Setting expectations in advance is one of the most effective things a parent can do to ensure boundaries will be adhered to... it helps kids understand the “why”, and it empowers them to make better choices. For example:

Before a playdate: “We’re going to your friend’s house. I expect you to share and use kind words.

If something upsets you, come tell me instead of yelling.”

Before screen time ends: “You have 30 minutes to play. When the timer goes off, we turn it off

without arguing. If you do that, we’ll have time for a story before bed.”

Before visiting the store: “We’re only buying groceries today. I’m not buying toys or candy, and

I need your help sticking to the list.”

Clear expectations reduce surprises, and therefore can reduce meltdowns, arguments, and stress.

How to Set and Maintain Boundaries Effectively

Be proactive, not reactive

Talk about rules and expectations ahead of time, not just in the heat of the moment.

Stay calm and consistent

Kids learn more from how we say things than what we say. Calmness reinforces that the

boundary is firm, not emotional.

Use age-appropriate language

Keep explanations simple for young children. For older kids, involve them in setting

some boundaries themselves.

Follow through with kindness

Consequences should be related to the behavior, not punitive. If a rule is broken, calmly

enforce the boundary and explain why.

Praise boundary-respecting behavior

Catch them doing it right. Positive reinforcement helps them internalize the lessons.

Boundaries Are About Connection, Not Control

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being harsh or overly strict. It means being clear. When expectations are explained in advance, children feel respected and safe. They may not always like the rules, but they will begin to understand and accept them because they trust that the rules are consistent and fair.

And perhaps most importantly, setting boundaries teaches kids how to create their own - how to say no, how to speak up, and how to protect their own emotional well-being as they grow.

As parents, our goal isn't just to manage behavior… it’s to guide our children toward becoming emotionally intelligent, respectful, and responsible adults. Boundaries are essential in that journey, but they only work when kids understand them ahead of time.

So next time you're about to say "no," try starting with a "here's what to expect." It might just change the entire conversation, and strengthen your relationship in the process.

What to Do About Sibling Rivalry: A Realistic Guide for Parents

Tue, 16 Sep 2025 19:40:04 GMT

Practical Strategies to Restore Peace and Keep Your Sanity

Sibling rivalry is almost universal: disagreements, jealousy, fights over attention or resources. While some rivalry is normal (and can even help kids develop conflict resolution skills), when conflict becomes frequent, intense, or lasting it can negatively affect self‑esteem, well‑being, and family harmony.

If you have more than one child, you’ve probably dealt with sibling rivalry. The good news? It’s totally normal. The better news?

There are simple things parents can do to make it easier for everyone. Let's take a look...

Why Do Siblings Fight?

They’re competing for your attention. Even older kids still want to feel seen and valued.
They’re learning how to share space, time, and stuff. That’s a tall order for developing brains!
They might be hungry, tired, or overwhelmed. Just like adults, kids lash out when they’re not feeling their best.

So What Can You Do?

Here are some practical ways to handle sibling rivalry without losing your mind:

Don’t Play Referee (Unless You Have To)

Unless someone is in danger, try not to jump in and fix every argument. Instead, help your kids learn how to talk it out themselves.

You can coach from the sidelines with things like:

“I hear both of you are upset. Can you each take turns explaining what happened?”
“What’s a fair way to solve this?”
“Is there something you could do differently next time?”

Letting kids practice solving their own conflicts builds problem-solving and empathy.

Teach (and Model) Emotional Regulation

You can’t be a calm saint all the time, but showing your kids how you handle frustration helps them learn, too. You can also teach them simple strategies like:

Taking a break to cool down
Using “I” statements (“I feel mad when you grab my toy.”)
Naming their feelings (“You’re feeling left out, huh?”)

Kids are more likely to treat each other kindly when they’re not emotionally flooded.

Give Individual Attention

It doesn’t have to be fancy... ten minutes of one-on-one time a day can go a long way. Read a book, chat while folding laundry, or play a quick card game - let it be child led. When kids feel secure in their connection with you, they’re less likely to compete for attention by fighting.

Encourage Positive Sibling Time

Give them shared tasks (like baking cookies), cooperative games, or even a silly “team challenge.” Celebrate moments when they help each other, share, or show kindness:

“I saw you give your sister the last cookie - so thoughtful!”

“You both worked together to clean the playroom, great teamwork!”

Positive reinforcement helps build the kind of sibling relationship you want to see more of.

Avoid Comparing Your Kids

Even well-meaning comments like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” can fuel resentment. Instead, celebrate each child’s unique strengths. One might be the artist, another the joke-teller, another the peacemaker.

Set Clear, Consistent Boundaries

Make your family rules clear (e.g., no hitting, name-calling, or grabbing). Follow through with fair consequences when rules are broken. Kids feel safer and more respected when they know what to expect.

Know When It’s More Than Normal Rivalry

Most sibling rivalry is manageable, but if the fighting turns into bullying, if one child is regularly feeling unsafe or targeted, or if the stress is affecting the whole family, it might be time to talk to a counselor or family therapist.

Final Thoughts -

Sibling rivalry isn’t a sign that something’s wrong, it’s a sign that kids are learning how to live and grow together. Your job isn’t to make the rivalry disappear overnight, but to give your kids the tools, structure, and support to handle it well. With time, practice, and lots of patience, those noisy battles can turn into something deeper: a lifelong relationship built on trust, respect, and (eventually!) love.

____________________

A Couple of Helpful Resources:

Healthy Children – Sibling Rivalry: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/Pages/Sibling-Rivalry.aspx

Psychology Today – 7 Evidence-Based Ways to Stop Sibling Fighting: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-translator/202107/7-evidence-based-ways-stop-sibling-fighting

Summer Vacation Meltdowns: Are We Having Fun Yet...?

Wed, 02 Jul 2025 15:41:59 GMT

Why Do Kids Melt Down More on Vacation?

Let’s be real:

Summer is upon us and vacations with kids can feel like emotional roller coasters. One moment they’re squealing with joy on the beach, and the next, they’re crying in the middle of a theme park because their sock “feels weird.” So why do meltdowns seem worse when you’re supposed to be having fun?

Here’s the truth:

Vacations are full of hidden stressors for kids - and if you understand what’s behind the outbursts, you’ll be better equipped to prevent (or at least manage) them.

1. Routine Disruption

Kids thrive on routine, even if they don’t realize it. Vacations usually mean different wake-up times, meals on the go, skipped naps, and new environments. This throws off their internal rhythm, making them more emotionally fragile. Think of it like jet lag for their emotions.

2. Sensory Overload

New places bring new smells, crowds, noise, weather, and clothes (wet swimsuits, itchy tags, etc.). It’s a lot for little nervous systems to process, and some kids are more sensitive than others.

3. Unrealistic Expectations

Parents often get super excited and unintentionally oversell the trip - “It’s going to be the BEST day ever!!” - which can set kids up for disappointment when reality doesn’t match the hype.

4. Too Much Stimulation, Too Little Rest

Long days + lots of walking + unfamiliar beds = overtired kids. And tired kids don’t have the tools to regulate their emotions, even when they're having fun.

5. Lack of Control

On vacation, kids often feel dragged from place to place with little say in what happens. That loss of autonomy can trigger power struggles and outbursts.

So, what can we do about it...?

How to Help Kids Cope (and Prevent Meltdowns)

1. Keep Some Routines Intact

Stick to a consistent wake/sleep time when possible. Keep familiar bedtime rituals - a favorite stuffed animal, a bedtime story, or the same lullaby. Even a sliver of routine can help kids feel grounded.

2. Build in Downtime

Schedule breaks during the day: time to rest, play quietly, or do something familiar like drawing or reading. Don’t try to fill every minute with an activity.

3. Let Them Have a Say

Give kids choices: “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one?” “Pool before lunch or after?” Small decisions help them feel in control and reduce resistance.

4. Watch for Warning Signs

Learn your child’s cues - rubbing their eyes, clinging, getting whiny - and act early. A meltdown that’s brewing can sometimes be prevented with a snack, a cuddle, or a quiet break.

5. Keep Snacks and Water Handy

Hungry + dehydrated = cranky. It’s basic, but often overlooked when you’re in travel mode. Keep water bottles and easy snacks with you at all times.

6. Manage Your Own Stress

Kids pick up on your energy. If you're anxious, rushed, or snippy, they’ll mirror that. Take a breath. Slow down. You’re modeling how to stay calm under pressure (even if you’re faking it a little).

7. Adjust Your Expectations

Not every moment will be magical — and that’s okay. Some of the best vacation memories come from the imperfect, goofy, unplanned moments. Focus on connection, not perfection.

Your child isn’t misbehaving because they’re ungrateful or trying to ruin the trip. They’re little humans doing their best in a new and overwhelming situation. Give them grace - and give yourself some too.

Meltdowns on vacation are normal. With a little preparation and a lot of patience, you can ride them out and still have a meaningful, memorable trip. If things are still hard once you get home, reach out for more information on co-regulation, power struggles and meltdowns!

Have We Created a MONSTER..?

Thu, 12 Jun 2025 15:34:35 GMT

Have We Created a MONSTER...? Thoughts on Entitled Behavior

Young children often exhibit entitled behavior, such as demanding attention, refusing to share, or expecting rewards without effort, for a variety of developmental, environmental, and parenting-related reasons. This behavior is not always a sign of lasting character flaws but often reflects normal developmental stages combined with environmental influences.

1. Developmental Stage

Young children are naturally egocentric. Their brains are still developing the ability to understand others’ perspectives, control impulses, and delay gratification. This makes them more likely to seem “entitled” simply because they are not yet cognitively capable of mature empathy or self-regulation.

2. Parenting Style

Certain parenting approaches can unintentionally foster entitlement. Overindulgence (giving too many material items or rewards), lack of boundaries, or shielding children from disappointment can lead them to expect instant gratification or special treatment. Similarly, inconsistent discipline may confuse children about expectations and consequences.

3. Cultural and Social Influences

Modern culture often reinforces entitlement through media, advertising, and peer influence. Children are frequently exposed to messages that equate happiness with consumption or that glorify status and success without effort, shaping unrealistic expectations.

4. Emotional Needs

Sometimes, entitled behavior masks unmet emotional needs. A child who feels insecure, unheard, or disconnected may act out in ways that appear demanding or self-centered. They may use control or manipulation to get attention or reassurance.

5. Lack of Responsibility or Contribution

When children are not given age-appropriate responsibilities or opportunities to contribute to the family or community, they may not develop a sense of gratitude or accountability. Entitlement can emerge when effort and reward are not connected.

Entitlement in young children is often a mix of age-appropriate immaturity and environmental factors. It can be addressed with consistent boundaries, empathy-building, responsibility, and modeling gratitude . With guidance, children can outgrow entitled tendencies and develop more balanced, respectful attitudes.

So What Do We Do About It…?

1. Consistent Boundaries: Creating Structure and Security

Children thrive when they understand the rules and know what to expect. Inconsistent boundaries can confuse them and can make them push harder to get what they want. When parents set clear expectations and stick to them, children feel safer, more secure, and learn limits.

What to do:

Set clear rules and consequences. For example: "We clean up our toys before screen time." If the rule isn’t followed, the consequence is no screen time.

Follow through every time. If you say "no dessert if you whine at dinner," but give it anyway, your child learns the whining works.

Use calm, firm communication. Avoid yelling or emotional reactions. Say, “I know you're upset, and the rule is still the same.”

Be proactive, not reactive. Establish routines and expectations early to avoid constant negotiations.

Children learn that they are not the center of every decision, and that rules apply to everyone. This helps reduce demanding or manipulative behavior.

2. Empathy-Building: Teaching Kids to Understand Others

Empathy is the ability to understand how others feel. Entitled kids often focus only on their own wants and needs. Empathy encourages them to think outside themselves and respond with kindness and respect.

What to do:

Label and talk about emotions. Ask questions like, “How do you think your sister felt when you took her toy?”

Use books and stories. Discuss characters' feelings: “Why do you think he was sad? What could his friend have done differently?”

Praise empathetic behavior. Acknowledge it when your child shows care or concern: “It was kind of you to help your friend when he fell.”

Encourage perspective-taking. Ask, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”

When children learn to consider others’ feelings, they’re less likely to act selfishly or demand special treatment.

3. Responsibility: Connecting Privileges to Contribution

When children aren’t asked to contribute, they may come to believe they are owed everything simply for existing. Giving them age-appropriate responsibilities helps them learn that effort leads to rewards and that they are part of something bigger than themselves.

What to do:

Assign daily or weekly chores. Start small: feeding the pet, setting the table, putting away laundry. Increase responsibility with age.

Tie privileges to effort. Instead of giving screen time automatically, say, “Once your room is tidy, then you can watch your show.”

Avoid doing everything for them. Let them pack their own lunch or manage their homework folder (with support as needed).

Teach problem-solving. Rather than fixing everything, guide them to find their own solutions: “What can you do if your toy is missing?”

Children who take responsibility learn accountability, independence, and a healthy sense of pride in their contributions.

4. Modeling Gratitude: Teaching Appreciation Through Action

Gratitude is the antidote to entitlement. Kids who appreciate what they have are less likely to demand more or take things for granted. And children learn this best not by lectures, but by watching their parents.

What to do:

Practice daily gratitude. Share what you’re thankful for at dinner or bedtime, and invite your child to do the same.

Say “thank you” often—and mean it. Let them hear you thank store clerks, family members, even your child when they help.

Write thank-you notes. After birthdays or holidays, help your child send notes or draw pictures to show appreciation.

Point out blessings. Teach them to notice little things: “Aren’t we lucky to have a warm house on a cold day?”

Grateful children develop a sense of contentment, humility, and awareness of others’ efforts on their behalf—key traits that prevent entitlement.

Final Thoughts…

Changing entitled behavior won’t happen overnight, but with consistency and connection, it’s very possible. Remember, children aren't born knowing how to be considerate, responsible, or grateful. They learn these qualities over time, with your help. By setting clear boundaries, building empathy, encouraging responsibility, and modeling gratitude, you’re giving your child the lifelong tools to be not only less entitled, but more kind, resilient, and socially capable.

Boundaries are Your Greatest Gift

Wed, 28 May 2025 02:38:18 GMT

Why are boundaries one of the greatest gifts you can give your child?

It's been a minute since my last blog post. Life has been a little complicated lately - as it is for most parents. Which got me thinking about how to make things easier, and this is what came to mind...

As parents, we want the best for our children. We want them to grow up feeling loved, secure, and confident. But in the day-to-day of parenting - between school runs, snack requests, and bedtime battles - it’s easy to forget one of the most powerful tools we have for shaping our children’s development: boundaries.

It may not sound warm or nurturing, and your children will most likely fight against them, but boundaries are one of the most loving things we can offer our kids. They provide safety, structure, and a deep sense of trust. Without them, children can feel overwhelmed, unsure of their limits, and/or confused about their role in the world.

Let’s explore why boundaries are essential in parenting - and how they actually strengthen the parent-child relationship:

1. Boundaries Create Safety

Children are constantly learning about the world, and that process can feel chaotic to an under-developed brain. When parents set clear limits, they’re essentially saying, “You’re safe here. I’m in charge, and I’ll protect you.” This gives children the freedom to explore and grow without carrying the emotional burden of needing to control everything themselves. This is incredibly important for healthy development.

Boundaries help prevent both physical danger (“You can’t run into the street”) and emotional distress (“It’s okay to feel angry, and we’re still gonna learn how not to hit”). Knowing where the edges are allows kids to relax and focus on learning.

2. Boundaries Teach Responsibility and Respect

When we consistently enforce boundaries, we’re teaching our children that actions have consequences and that everyone has rights and needs - including their parents, siblings, and friends.

For example:

If a child learns they can’t interrupt every time they want something, they begin to understand the importance of patience and consideration.
If screen time ends when the timer goes off, they begin to associate structure with fairness, not punishment.

These lessons don’t just help at home - they carry into life: classrooms, friendships, and eventually workplaces.

3. Boundaries Reduce Anxiety and Power Struggles

Ironically, children who seem to push boundaries the most are often the ones who need them the most. Inconsistency or lack of clear rules can create anxiety, because kids don’t know what to expect.

Predictability is comforting. When a child knows that bedtime is at 8 p.m., that treats are for after meals, and that yelling won’t be tolerated, they don’t need to test those lines as often. Clear boundaries reduce power struggles because they take the guesswork out of the parent-child dynamic. That means as parents, we need to know HOW to set limits, and be able to enforce the appropriate consequence when the time comes.

4. Boundaries Build Emotional Intelligence

When we enforce boundaries with empathy - acknowledging our child’s feelings while holding firm with the limit - we model how to handle big emotions in healthy ways.

Saying something like, “I know… I see you’re disappointed that we’re leaving the park, and we agreed on 30 minutes, so we still have to go now” helps your child learn:

That their feelings are valid
That emotions don’t excuse poor behavior
That disappointment is part of life, and they can cope with it

These are powerful, lifelong skills.

5. Boundaries Foster Trust and Connection

Some parents worry that setting limits will damage their relationship with their child, but in the long run, the opposite is often true. While most children initially push against the limits, when boundaries are clear and consistent, children come to trust that their parent means what they say, and that their world is secure.

Boundaries are not barriers… they’re bridges to deeper connection. Children may push back in the moment, but over time, they come to feel safe in the structure you’ve provided. That safety lays the foundation, and with open communication you’ll create a stability that allows for emotional security AND emotional closeness.

Conclusion: Boundaries = Love with Structure

Boundaries are not about control. They are about guidance, protection, and teaching. They communicate to our children:

“I love you enough to teach you what’s okay and what’s not. I care enough to stay consistent, even when it’s hard. I respect you enough to help you become your best self.”

So the next time you feel the urge to "give in" to keep the peace - or avoid setting a limit out of guilt - remember this: boundaries are not the enemy of love, they are its expression.

If you’re having difficulty with setting boundaries, not sure how to enforce them, or even how to create them, reach out for a complimentary Intention Call to see if I can help you - with boundaries or any other parenting challenge you might be facing.

(Simply head to the "Contact" page on my website.)

Giving Conscious Parenting Guidelines to Grandparents

Fri, 10 Jan 2025 00:31:35 GMT

How to offer suggestions - without offending!

Giving Guidelines to Grandparents: A Guide to Conscious Parenting Without Offending

Grandparents are often eager to spend time with their grandchildren, offering love and care in their own unique way. They bring years of experience and wisdom, but generational differences can sometimes lead to misunderstandings when it comes to childcare. If you're adopting a more conscious or modern parenting approach, you may want to gently offer guidelines for how you'd like your child to be cared for when they stay with their grandparents. Here's how to communicate these needs thoughtfully, ensuring that your desire is clear while preserving your relationship.

1. Start with Appreciation

Begin by acknowledging the love and care that grandparents have for your child. Let them know you deeply appreciate their involvement in your child's life. For instance, you could say:

"I really appreciate the time you spend with [child's name]. It means a lot to me that you are such a big part of their life."

By setting a positive tone, you lay the groundwork for an open and respectful conversation.

2. Acknowledge Their Experience

Grandparents often come with years of experience and have seen many different parenting styles. Acknowledge that you respect their knowledge and the wisdom they bring, while gently introducing the fact that times and approaches have changed. Acknowledge their experience while making space for new ideas.

"I know you have so much experience with raising children, and hearing your stories really helps me understand where you are coming from. I’m sure you can see that things have changed a bit since you were a parent, and if you think it could be helpful, I’d like to share the approach I’ve been taking with [child's name], just to make sure we're all on the same page."

This helps create a tone of mutual respect rather than correction.

3. Share Your Parenting Philosophy

Explain the reasoning behind your conscious parenting choices. Instead of simply laying down rules, share your philosophy. This helps grandparents understand your mindset and how it benefits your child. For example:

"I've been focusing a lot on mindful parenting lately. For me, it's about guiding [child's name] with patience and understanding. I try to avoid punishment and instead work with them to help them understand their feelings and actions."

When grandparents understand the "why" behind your choices, they may be more open to adopting them in their caregiving.

4. Keep It Simple and Positive

Be clear but gentle in offering specific guidelines. Choose your words carefully to avoid sounding overly critical. Frame your guidelines in a way that reflects your desire for consistency and safety without implying that their way is wrong. For example:

"When we’re at home, we like to keep a consistent bedtime routine, and I’d love for that to stay the same when they’re with you. It really helps them settle down for the night."

By keeping your tone positive and focusing on the benefits, you make it easier for your parents to follow the guidelines without feeling defensive.

5. Offer Practical Tips

Instead of simply telling them what to do, offer practical suggestions for implementing your guidelines. For instance:

"If [child's name] gets upset, I’ve found that offering a calm, quiet space to settle down works better than raising our voices. You might try sitting with them for a few minutes and helping them talk about what’s going on."

This not only explains your preference but also equips your parents with tools to succeed in following it.

6. Involve Them in the Process

Sometimes, grandparents may feel like their experience and authority are being undermined. To avoid this, involve them in the process of conscious parenting. Encourage them to share their thoughts or ask questions.

"I'd love to hear your thoughts on this approach. If you ever feel uncertain or need any tips, just let me know! I’m always happy to chat and find what works best for everyone."

This shows that you're open to collaboration and not just imposing rules.

7. Be Understanding and Flexible

Understand that it may take some time for grandparents to adjust to your approach, especially if their previous experiences differ. Offer support and be patient with them as they try to implement your guidelines. You might say:

"I know it can be a big shift, so please don't worry if things don't always go perfectly. We're all learning and growing, and I appreciate your patience and your effort in trying to do it differently."

This approach helps reduce pressure on your parents and makes them feel supported rather than criticized.

8. Keep Communication Open

Make sure that communication lines are always open. Let them know that if they have any concerns or questions, they can always reach out to you. Having an open dialogue ensures that everyone feels comfortable and confident in the caregiving process.

"If you ever have any questions or if something doesn’t seem to be working, don’t hesitate to call me. I want to make sure we’re all on the same page and that everyone has a good experience."

This helps foster ongoing collaboration and support between you and your parents.

Conclusion

Setting guidelines for grandparents with a conscious parenting approach can be tricky, but it’s all about balance, respect, and communication. By focusing on your child’s well-being, showing appreciation for their help, and being clear about your desires, you can ensure your child’s care aligns with your values while maintaining a strong and positive relationship with your parents. By approaching the situation with empathy and patience, you can create an environment where both generations feel understood, respected, and supported.

Why are Parents so Stressed Out?

Fri, 15 Nov 2024 01:26:52 GMT

Can CONNECTION be the answer to parental stress?

The past couple of years, there have been reports from multiple agencies including a Surgeon General’s Advisory, talking about the unprecedented amounts of stress parents are facing raising their children. From concerns about anxiety and depression, and bullies, to putting limits on tech and social media… parents have a lot to worry about.

As a Montessori educator for over 20 years, and now as a parent coach, I have seen the distress first-hand. Parents want so badly to protect their kids and to ensure they grow up to be physically, emotionally and mentally healthy. I wish I could say there was an easy answer, but with so many different challenges facing parents, the solution can be complex.

Through my years of experience teaching and coaching, and raising two children of my own, I believe the most impactful skill a parent can develop is CONNECTION!

So... what is connection?

Connection is a powerful foundation for building strong, healthy relationships between parents and their children. When parents actively nurture and maintain a deep, emotional connection with their kids, it can significantly improve communication, understanding, and trust, all of which are essential for a positive and supportive relationship. Unfortunately, true connection can be somewhat nebulous. It can be easy to fall into permissive parenting or enmeshment if you did not experience a healthy connection in your own childhood.

So... where do you start?

How do you develop connection? Here are the top three reasons connection matters and the impact it can have, followed by some ways to begin the process of creating connection now:

1. Emotional Security and Stability

Why it matters: When children feel connected to their parents, they develop a strong sense of emotional security. This connection serves as a safe base from which children can explore the world, knowing they have a reliable source of support and comfort to return to without the fear of judgment.

Impact: Children who experience a strong emotional connection with their parents are more likely to have better self-esteem, and handle stress more effectively. They also tend to feel more confident in expressing their true selves.

2. Effective Communication and Trust

Why it matters: A strong connection fosters open lines of communication. When children feel understood and respected, and know that they can communicate anything to their parents, they are more likely to share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

Impact: This enhances trust and reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings or conflicts. Children also feel more comfortable seeking guidance from their parents, receiving information based on their own family values, and less influenced by their peers or social media - which is critical to ensure better decision-making and social development.

3. Positive Behavioral Development

Why it matters: A secure emotional connection with parents lays the foundation for healthy social behaviors and emotional regulation. When children feel seen, heard, and valued, they are more likely to internalize positive values like empathy, respect, and responsibility.

Impact: Children with strong connections to their parents tend to exhibit better behavior in school and social settings, as they are more emotionally intelligent and aware of their actions’ impact on others.

How Can I Foster Connection Right now?:

Quality Time : Spend time together doing activities that foster closeness—whether it’s playing a game, going for a walk, or simply sitting and talking. Even if it’s just 10-15 minutes a day, with each child.

Active Listening : Give children your full attention when they speak. Validate their emotions and show empathy, even if you don’t always agree with their point of view.

Physical Affection : Hugs, kisses, and other physical signs of affection can help reinforce a sense of safety and love.

Be Present : Show up for your child, not just physically, but emotionally. Be engaged in their lives, take an interest in their activities, and be involved in their world.

Model Healthy Emotions : Don’t hide your own emotions. Demonstrate how to deal with difficult emotions in constructive ways. Show children that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.

Reasonable but Firm Boundaries : Children need to know there are limits, otherwise they feel unsafe. Think about your limits and make sure they are reasonable and age appropriate. And most importantly, enforce them. They can be enforced with empathy, but don’t work if not enforced.

Children's brains are wired for attachment. In the absence of available, caring adult connection, kids end up turning to other kids to fill that need. For the first time in human history, not only are kids losing the connection with their adult caregivers, often due to pressures and demands of modern society, but we have immature creatures being influenced predominately by other immature creatures.

After basic needs and safety - belonging and connection are the most important of human needs. Parents who prioritize connection are more likely to have children who feel secure, valued, and heard, which leads to a relationship in which kids feel safer to go to their parents rather than looking for what they need anywhere else, and perhaps lessen the likelihood of becoming depressed, being bullied and over-using social media.

If you're not sure how to create connection with your child, reach out - I address this issue and much more in my parent coaching practice, Parenting on Purpose!

Sources:

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2021). Surgeon General's Advisory on Protecting Youth Mental Health. Retrieved from https://www.hhs.gov

Eisenberg, N., & Fabes, R. A. (1992). Empathy, emotional expressiveness, and prosocial behavior. Developmental Psychology, 28(4), 528-538.

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.

Maté, G., & Neufeld, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Children: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Ballantine Books.

Trina Rymland is a Certified Parent Coach and Montessori Educator with 25+ years experience.
She believes that parenting can be made so much easier with a little intention - join her in Parenting on Purpose.

Understanding Unintentional Discouragement: A Guide for Parents

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 22:49:24 GMT

Are you unintentionally discouraging your kids?

Sometimes even our best intentions can backfire and leave our kids feeling discouraged. It’s easy to fall into patterns that accidentally undermine our kid’s confidence and resilience. Here are some common ways we might unintentionally discourage our children, along with some tips for creating a more supportive vibe at home.

1. Neglecting Emotional Needs

Unintended result : Ignoring emotions can lead to disconnection.

In the rush of daily life, the emotional needs of your kids can sometimes take a back seat. If children are made to feel that their emotions aren’t valid or understood, it can lead to discouragement. Create a safe space for them to express their emotions without fear of judgment.

Tip: When things are calm, make time to check in with your child about their feelings. Use open-ended questions like, “Tell me more?” or “How did that make you feel?” to encourage sharing. Try to spend a little uninterrupted time together everyday.

2. Constant Comparison

Unintended result : Comparison can create resentment and a fixed mindset.

Comparing a child to siblings, peers, or even your own past self can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Children need to know they are valued for who they are, not who they could be compared to others. Everyone has different strengths and intelligences - identify and celebrate your child’s interests to help them build their self-esteem.

Tip: Instead of comparing, teach your child the skills they need help with. Encourage individual pursuits and highlight personal progress. Remind them that everyone has their own journey.

3. Micromanagement

Unintended result : Micromanagement limits independence.

While it’s natural to want to guide our children, overly controlling their activities can stifle their independence and problem-solving abilities. Children need the space to make mistakes and learn from them. Instead of stepping in immediately, allow them to navigate challenges on their own.

Tip: Offer guidance when asked, but let them take the lead. Rather than immediately answering their questions, ask a different question that prompts them to think critically about solutions rather than providing answers.

4. Overemphasis on Achievement

Unintended result : Emphasis on achievement can limit growth.

Many parents feel pressure to see their children succeed academically or athletically. While striving for excellence is important, overly focusing on achievements can create a fear of failure. Instead of praising results, celebrate effort and growth. For instance, when a child struggles with a math problem, acknowledge their hard work and problem-solving skills rather than just the correct answer.

Tip: Focus on the effort rather than the end result. Use phrases like, “I’m proud of how hard you tried,” instead of just “Great job on your test!”

5. Unrealistic Expectations

Unintended result : Unrealistic expectations breed anxiety and apathy.

Setting high standards can motivate children, but if those expectations are consistently out of reach, they can feel overwhelmed and defeated. It’s important to have a balance between encouraging ambition and recognizing limitations.

Tip: Become familiar with age-appropriate expectations. Discuss goals collaboratively with your child and break them down into achievable steps. Celebrate milestones along the way, no matter how small.

6. Labeling/Name Calling

Unintended result : Negative (or any) labels can shape self-perception.

Sometimes, parents might unintentionally use labels—like “the shy one” or “the troublemaker”—which can stick with children and shape how they see themselves. These names can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading kids to internalize these identities. It’s crucial to be mindful of the language we use when discussing our children.

Tip: Focus on behaviors rather than labeling the child. Instead of saying, “You’re so messy,” try, “Let’s work together to clean up your space.”

It's easy to unintentionally create situations that rob our kids of the purpose and significance they need for positive growth, leaving them feeling discouraged - AND a discouraged child is ultimately more likely to misbehave. By being mindful of our words and actions, we can create an environment that nurtures confidence and resilience - and better behavior.

Remember, it’s not just about avoiding discouragement; it’s about actively fostering a space where children feel valued and empowered to express themselves. Let’s strive to be the supportive guides our children need as they navigate their own paths.

Parenting is HARD!

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 18:19:36 GMT

Why Parenting Needs a Coach (and Why You Deserve One)

We've all seen the social media posts: adorable baby smiles, perfectly curated family outings. But the reality of modern parenting paints a much different picture. It's a constant juggling act, filled with sleepless nights, meltdowns (both yours and your child's), and an ever-present feeling of "am I doing this right?"

Why is Modern Parenting So Hard?

There are countless reasons why parenting feels like an uphill climb:

The Information Overload: We're bombarded with conflicting advice from parenting books, experts, and social media. This constant barrage can leave us feeling lost and unsure.

The Isolation Trap: Gone are the days of extended families living under one roof. Today's parents often feel alone in the trenches, with limited support networks.

The Blurring of Lines: Technology both connects and disconnects. While it offers convenience, it can also create distractions and disrupt real connection with our children.

The Pressure Cooker: We're raising the next generation, and the stakes feel enormous. Every decision, from potty training to college applications, carries the weight of our child's future.

Enter the Parenting Coach: Your Secret Weapon

A parenting coach is a supportive guide, helping you navigate the complexities of raising a child in today's world. Here's how I can empower you:

Tailored Strategies: I work with you to understand your unique challenges and parenting style. There is no one-size-fits-all solution - I help you develop practical strategies that work for your specific family challenges.

Confidence Boost: I can help you heal your own childhood wounds, identify your strengths and empower you to trust your instincts. This newfound confidence allows you to tackle challenges with more success and less stress.

Communication Skills: With a better understanding of developmental expectations and brain science, I can equip you with the tools to communicate effectively with your child, fostering a deeper understanding and connection.

Managing Conflict: Meltdowns are inevitable, and by helping to change your expectations and learning to self-regulate, I can equip you with strategies for managing tantrums and fostering cooperation.

Investing in Yourself is Investing in Your Family

Parenting isn't a competition, and there's no shame in seeking help. A parenting coach isn't a luxury; it's an investment in your well-being and your child's future. Just like athletes have coaches, so do successful parents. They provide a safe space to ask questions, troubleshoot challenges, and celebrate your victories.

Parenting is the most rewarding job in the world, but it's also undeniably tough. Don't go it alone. A parenting coach can be the difference between feeling overwhelmed and feeling empowered, making the journey more fulfilling for both you and your child.

My First Blog Post

duda-owner-ionos@ionos.com (Duda Owner IONOS) — Tue, 20 Aug 2024 11:11:31 GMT

It’s official, I have a blog and I know how to use it.

I have finally decided to take the plunge and add a blog to my site. I always wanted an easy way to share information with visitors and I’m super excited to start this journey. Keep coming back to my site and check for updates right here on the blog.